God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
