i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
