Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
