i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
