I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
