Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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