I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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