it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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