my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize