Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
