just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
