im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
