So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
