That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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