you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
