new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
