BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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