Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
