I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My vagina is very pro this idea
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
