I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sarcasm needs its own font
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
