I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
