And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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