AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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