whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
