I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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