Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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