sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
