He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
