Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
