she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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