I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
