What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Randomize
