Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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