its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
