My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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