after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
