I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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