Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
