the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
