I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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