I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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