Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
