Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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