Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
