she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
