have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
