One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
