My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
me + whiskey = a bad person
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
