I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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