I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
cat food counts as protein by the way
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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