Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
