I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
